Akumu Cabin
by Shaxra15
Summary: One hottie, one idiot, one artist, a love-struck girl with monster strength and the shy one. Three guys, two girls, one cabin…You think you know the story but…My fun twist on the Cabin in the Woods Team 7 style (Hinata too) :P What starts out as a innocent bet soon gets out of hand as horror stories come to life. M for gore. PARODY/HORROR. PAR-O-DY!
1. THE BET

_AN: This is just meant to be comedy and written out of boredom. Don't take it seriously lol._

_-xXx-_

**Part 1: THE BET**

"_What could possibly happen?"_

_-xXx-_

The war had long been over but even so, the awkward silence that sometimes fell over the newly reformed Team 7 at times aggravated Kakashi as it signified that his team still had yet to fully mend. But that wasn't the only thing that aggravated the silver-headed sensei. Naruto and Sasuke's ignorance towards Sakura and Hinata's affections was downright embarrassing. _Everyone_ knew the girls were held captive by their affections towards them yet the rival duo still hadn't embraced them. It was high time they realized what the opposite sex was there for. Or maybe Kakashi was reading a little too much of his favorite romance series lately….

Kakashi sighed as he carefully set his chopsticks down on the wooden table. He was, at the moment, lunching with the second captain of Team 7, Yamato, in Konoha's rebuilt Shushuya restaurant. They usually always met for lunch like this at the end of the week to discuss missions and such. Yamato noticing Kakashi's unrest and half-eaten plate of food wiped his mouth and waited for his senpai to speak what was on his mind. When he did, it took Yamato by surprise.

"Which do you think would happen first, Yamato? Sasuke and Naruto falling in defeat or getting in an actual relationship with a girl? "

Yamato looked at Kakashi funnily before replying. "They _are_ a lot stronger now…a normal shinobi wouldn't even be able to defeat, let alone actually touch, either one of them at this rate. But at the same time they're completely uninterested in long-term relationships with anyone. They're more concerned with outdoing each other more than anything.

"You know as well as I do that ever since Sasuke's return Naruto's only been hanging around and competing with him. I think he's completely forgotten everyone else by now." Yamato said chuckling to himself. The Uzumaki and Uchiha practically sparred every single day, even multiple times the same day as they tried to show off how much they've gotten stronger since Team 7 broke. Sakura was often left in the dust, watching their backs like always…

"Yeah," Kakashi muttered thoughtfully. "But I bet, under the right conditions and some guidance by me, the latter would happen first. So…" Kakashi smiled through his mask as he pulled out a wad of money. "What do you say? Team 7 and Hinata in _Akumu Cabin_. The kids could really use a vacation and strengthen their relationships through good old fashioned bonding time in the woods. The team is in dire need of it after all…"

Yamato gawked in disbelief. "Are you joking!? I heard that place is insane! It starts out all peaceful but then really weird things start happening! No one's figured it out which is why mentioning that name is forbidden. People go there and when they come back they're never the same again. Even so, no one has ever found any physical proof to bring back for examination! You're not seriously considering sending them there, are you?!"

Kakashi held up more wads of Ryo, obviously enjoying Yamato's reaction. "Come on…What could _possibly_ happen that they wouldn't be able to handle? And maybe they could figure out what's going on in that place too. Two birds, one stone. Come on, you up for it?"

"What's this?" Gai's loud voice interrupted their odd conversation as he stepped into the restaurant. He immediately stood out from the small crowd of customers with his annoying green costume. "Do I sense a _challenge, _Kakashi Hatake?" He said with a big smile as he made his trademark thumbs up pose. His teeth and eyes practically sparkled.

Yamato fought the urge to groan. Oh Kami, once Gai got it in his ear it would be all over the village. Then every adult in Konoha would be in on it seeing as how the two war heroes were now like celebrities for defeating Madara and saving the Ninja World as everyone knew it.

"Oh, just a little bet…" Kakashi grinned.

_-xXx-_

To Yamato's horror, Kakashi soon had even the Hokage in on the bet. Tsunade just couldn't resist the chance for a bet with her comrades. The wage she was proposing had her assistant, Shizune, knotting her brow in worry and concern. She had hard enough of a hard time settling Tsunade's old debts…

"It will be the perfect opportunity for them to bond, Kami knows they need a break from Konoha and I believe they could even solve the mysteries of that cabin on the side," she grinned as she counted out her money. Kakashi, leaning coolly against the wall in the rebuilt Hokage's office, nodded in agreement. "It will also give them some much needed…er alone time."

"Ah, I see," Tsunade said separating the paper bills. She then held up a good amount and pointed the bills at Kakashi. "I bet this Sakura will be lip-locked with Sasuke by the first night."

Yamato rolled his eyes.

"Really? _Sasuke?_ Why not Naruto?" Kakashi asked.

"I know my girl," the Hokage beamed with pride. "Sakura is strong, she'll make it happen. If anyone can crumble that Uchiha's defensive wall it'll be her. And what about you, Yamato? Who're you betting on?"

The poor captain sighed. Kakashi was practically forcing him to play along, he felt trapped by peer pressure but deep down he was kind of enjoying this. "500 Ryo they avoid the girls completely. They're more likely to fight and kill each other first."

Tsunade huffed in a bored manner, "You're so boring, Yamato. Here I was expecting you to root for Naruto and Hinata."

Gai, who was also in the room, grinned as he held up a larger wad of cash. It was larger than even Kakashi's stash which was exactly his point. The strange bet was just another challenge to him now.

"I say Sai will end up with Hinata!"

Everyone stared in disbelief. The mouths of Tsunade and Kakashi then grinned as their eyes shifted to those bills of Ryo. Tsunade chuckled, "I'll double my wager then." Shizune hid a whimper as she fought the urge to protest. Kakashi laughed out loud.

"What?" Gai asked, puzzled by everyone's reaction to his bet.

_-xxxxxxxxxxxxx-_

Meanwhile, further away near a cabin hidden by the woods an entity sat sulking high up on a tree branch. Her torn white kimono flowed in the wind, like a beautiful flowing cloud or river. It was a sight to behold. From afar she would appear to be the most beautiful women, even an angel, but a closer look would reveal something else entirely…

As she cracked her torn mouth open, blood poured from it. The blood poured on her ancient kimono that was already stained by the blood of many others.

"_Am I beautiful now?" _she hissed as she ripped the skin off a decapitated head in anger.

_-xxxxxxxxxxxxx-_

_AN: I've for a very long time wanted to work with this particular Japanese horror story and now's the perfect opportunity…I feel sorry for her…and her unfortunate victims. XD I'll delve further into her story as this one goes on._

_Sorry this part was so short! Please review (gently, gently, my dears) and I'll update as soon as I can!_

_Place your bets! Lol!_


	2. HARUNO SAKURA MUST DIE!

_AN: So…anyone remember those annoying Sasutards? The Sasuke Fanclub™? All those girls (and dare I say a guy or two…) squealing over Sasuke to the ends of the earth? Well, like he is, they're back! Brace yourselves…._

_Also I've been trying to watch horror/comedy films for inspiration (the Scary Movies are a little too crude for me but I still had a laugh or two…I didn't see 3 but 4, the one parodying War of the Worlds, seems to be my favorite of them if I HAD to choose-though 5 with the baby scenes really CRACKED me up (I'm the type of person to laugh when people get hurt in movies)) and for some strange reason when I decided to bring in the Sasuke Fanclub™ the line "John Tucker must die" popped into my head. XD _

_This fic is a goddess for starting and stopping mid-sentence . _

_Thanks for the reviews, follows, and favorites. And before we go to the cabin and let the slaugher-opps I mean _kissing_, begin there's a few more things I wanted to take care of before departure. And one more thing! No offense to anyone who is a fan of a certain series about a certain family of vampires. I used to be a tard in middle school for it but no more. I promise I won't make fun of it again or reference it unless someone tells me in a review it's okay to. It WOULD be hilarious if the crew was chased by sparkling vamps XD haha. Making fun of it is old and outdated-I'm sorry _

_-xXx-_

**Part 2: The Return**

"_Haruno Sakura must die!"_

_-xXx-_

And of course Iruka objected to the very idea of sending his formal pupil to the legendary Akumu Cabin. The terrifying tales he'd heard over the years, though the quantity of them had really decreased of late, worried him to no end. He remembered when he was just a boy hearing his father's friend tell him stories of _his _friend's sister's friend's aunt's sister's cousin's uncle's friend's unfortunate experiences in that cursed cabin. Tales of people being ripped apart, slashed, mutilated, or worse- being _forced _to watch a movie about a clan of sparkly fairies.._._ The list of tortures was endless as the haunting and haunters themselves. Monsters, Chucky, female zombies, the clown from It, evil spirits, mermaids, Tele-Tubbies on drugs, demons, sparkling vamps-any creature ever conjured up in the realm of nightmares would terrorize _anyone_ who stayed in the cabin thus earning it the name 'Akumu Cabin'. _Nightmare Cabin._

"Kakashi, I deplore you, don't do this!" Iruka begged as he stalked across the hallway after Kakashi. In his frustration he threw his clipboard down. "Your intentions are good but that place is cursed!"

Kakashi stopped in his tracks to face the younger teacher. "Tell me, Iruka. Have you ever seen these so-called victims? Saw their wounds? Explored the cabin yourself?"

Iruka grunted uncomfortably. He was cornered. "No," he finally mumbled. "But…"

"Everything you know about that place, the same old scary stories told throughout the years, is most likely just to scare people away from what's really hiding down there. Actually I don't even believe that anymore. It's just fun, Iruka. That'll all it is. Besides…"

Here Kakashi paused. He exhaled slowly. "When I was younger…Minato-sensei took me there."

Iruka widened his eyes in surprise. Naruto's father? He had taken his team to Akumu Cabin?! Kakashi slowly started his tale again.

"I remember we were young and all very excited. It was a blast-we watched the stars, told stories, spared and swam in the lake…" His eyes seemed distant as they wandered into the past as they so often tended to do. "Then, one night I heard a strange knocking sound but no footsteps. It was really odd, and it didn't stop. I knew whatever was making the sound was outside. It was pitch dark out but I went to explore, regardless. I stumbled around trying to find the source. And right when I was as close as close to be to it…"

Suddenly Iruka felt something grab him from behind. He yelped and instinctively reached for his holster. His fingers didn't even have time to pull a blade out before he saw the smoke from a clone disappearing disperse and heard laughing. He sighed tiredly at Kakashi.

"The person making that noise was Obito. It was just a prank. It's so easy pulling them on people, apparently-especially you, I can't but help notice. Man, Naruto must have had a blast with you during his Academy days," Kakashi said, obviously smiling behind his mask.

Iruka sighed. It was confusing how Kakashi could be so serious then so cool attituded at times. He remembered the time that, much to everyone's shock, Kakashi had actually passed and officiated Team 7 for that first time…It was Iruka who had found his poor student tied to the stump and after freeing him, invited him to Ichiraku Ramen. And for some reason the twelve year old wouldn't sit down-he ate standing up. Iruka immediately realized the sick bastard had performed his so-called Thousand Years of Death technique on the child. Lucky he wasn't a girl…

Iruka sighed as he picked up his clipboard from the floor. "All due respect, Kakashi…there are some things you don't _joke_ about…Especially with Naruto, the war's done something to him…."

Kakashi stooped down to help pick up the scrambled pieces of paper. They appeared to be graded sheets of homework-a lot of which had such crappy handwriting it was amazing the teacher was able to decipher them. Kakashi's eyes caught the words '$%&^ing suck his %&$% then pop-' Kakashi shook his head as he stopped reading the crude chicken scratches. _'The kids of today…Learning things they're too little to comprehend…hee hee. Someday Naruto's gonna be stuck sensei-ing that brat.'_

"I've noticed," Kakashi continued getting serious again. "He's been avoiding people he cares about-perhaps a safety precaution. Watching people die on the battlefield…Neji, and even his father once again. He's never been one to handle deaths well. So many died on that battlefield those few days…"

"No one should go through that," Iruka whispered, symphonizing with his pupil and the sensei. The time of Jiraiya's death Naruto had avoided everyone all together…Though this time around he knew Sasuke was too strong to die so he felt safe from Death's glare around him. He knew he wouldn't lose him so easily.

"Doesn't he deserve a chance to take a break from the village and the haste of missions? Go somewhere new? And no more Anbu either. Sasuke needs a break from that chain too."

"Yes-but not there," Iruka stated as he continued to gather the papers.

"Naruto's no longer your pupil."

'_Nor is he even yours.' _Iruka was so close to retorting it out loud but he knew better. Finally, knowing he had already lost he mumbled, "I won't place a bet."

The silence that followed seemed eerie as they finished picking the papers up. Finally Kakashi broke it.

"Goodness, is this Konohamaru's paper!" he exclaimed holding up a sheet that contained a drawing on the back. "It's illustrated instructions for the ultimate jutsu."

Iruka snatched the paper from him to look at it. Seeing it his jaw dropped.

"So Naruto's your student, right?" Iruka said very slowly.

"Yup."

"THEN HOW CAN YOU LET HIM TEACH _**MY**_ STUDENT SUCH A TERRIBLE THING! He's WAY too little to even…" He couldn't even get the words out. He tried once more but only managed to get out, "my lands! He's turning him into a minnie-me!"

"Hee. Jiraiya would be proud. He can now conjure up a sexy jutsu with bigger jugs then even the Hokage, not to mention the pole's a nice touch. Ha, that reminds me of a scene in Jiraiya's book where…well I wouldn't want to spoil it-you still haven't read any of his books have you? Oh, and if you have an even more _exquisite_ taste for ninja romance then Jiraiya what provided then try out _50 Shapes of Kunai_."

Iruka slapped his forehead. "Forget it-I'm not stupid enough to try that porn out. I have enough of a time prying it from the hands of poor students who don't know any better! Wait-how on earth did we get to this topic? Anyway-I change my mind about the bet. I'll take you on. I slap bet you that they will return home a wreck having run for their young lives."

"Oh, really?" Kakashi asked, glad for the challenge. "What's a slap bet, again?"

"The winner of the bet gets to slap the loser. Consider it payback for letting Naruto pollute the Hokage's grandson." _'The Third is probably rolling in his grave! Again! Why can't people just let the dead people stay dead!?'_

Kakashi smiled. "You're so sure you're gonna win….When this is over you'll be sorry you didn't bet money instead."

"We'll see about that…" Iruka smiled.

_-xxxxxxxxxxxxx-_

"Doesn't that tramp just tick you off!" snapped Sasutard #1, Motoko. Minami, her friend and Sasutard #5, nodded her little head in agreement.  
"She must pay for stealing him away!"

The fan group, each member obsessed with Uchiha Sasuke, all nodded in agreement. One energetic girl interjected in, "But, like, what about that_ new_ girl?"

"Oh yeah!" piped in another girl. "I forgot about her! I hear Sakura stole Sasuke-sama from her too!"

"I hear she's an _Uzumaki_!" stated Minami.

"OHEMGEE! Shut. _Up_."

"But I didn't say anything."

"Not you-I meant _her_."

"Oh…." They responded even though in the group there was a bunch of "hers" and it was impossible to tell who was talking to _who_ at this point.

"Sasuke-sama is soooo sexy. I mean…that bod is to KILL for! That tramp doesn't deserve him! I heard she even at one point tried to _kill_ him while the rest of us never gave up on him!"

"She must die her sins! Haruno Sakura must die!"

"Totally crucify her!"

The girls squealed again. And kept doing it until Motoko shut them up. "How about we find the new girl and show her the ropes-let her join _our _side. She is related to the side-kick of the hero, Sasuke-sama, after all!"

"OMGEE!"

Little did either of them know or even realize that Sakura and Karin, gathering herbs nearby, had heard every single word of their cliché clique conversation. Little did anyone else know that they had strangely become somewhat friends. Birds of a feather flock together and apparently both of them had a lot of things in common from their love/anger for Sasuke to their medical jutsu.

Sakura sighed. The Fanclub was really getting _old_. All of them needed to grow up and embrace the bitter truth. Sasuke didn't care squat about girls…Even though she knew this; part of her still would not give in to the inevitable…

Karin meanwhile moaned, equally annoyed with the fan club. "They're squealing is making me absolutely nauseous…"

'_You're one to _ta_lk…'_ Sakura couldn't but help think to herself. It's not okay to talk about people-especially friends-behind their backs but THINKING things behind their back is perfectly okay. Sakura nodded to Karin. "I know how you feel."

"Hey, I might know how to get rid of them for good."

"Really? I've been trying for ages! How?"

_-xxxxxxxxxxxxx-_

_See ya next time! Aaaaaannnd I would love input on things I should find ways to add in. From comedy to horror. I'm really open for ideas and things you want. Especially before we get to cabin-I'll need to have things logically lined up and planned so it don't feel way TOO random. I can't guarantee I'll be able to do add everything, not to mention have seen everything, but I'll try! And if Twilight-bashing is permitted I will DEFINITLY go through with it! Just request, place bets and slap bets (as seen on How I Met Your Mother (episode 'Slap Bet' from season 2) XD May the odds ever _**not**_ be in your favor!_

_PS PG-13 sexual content, R-gore only I don't do really crude humor. _

_As for the advertisement below this is my last time spoofing 50 Shades of Grey._

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